The Colorado Counselor Blog

Link: http://www.thecoloradocounselor.com/blog/admin.php?ctrl=items&action=new&blog=5

Clients often come to me feeling unfulfilled in their relationships and wonder if they should just leave.  The feelings and issues seem to be too much to overcome.  People in this situation find themselves overwhelmed and lacking direction.  This is a difficult place to be.  First, I ask clients to grow awareness in themselves as to how they are handling the relationship.  Have they been a part of the increasingly poor patterns?  Being the change you want to see in your relationship can be very helpful in reconnecting.  But some people feel they are beyond this point. They may not be trusting of their partner's reaction to a more vulnerable behavior on their part or perhaps they do not know what their behavior should be.  We must identify what behaviors, activities, communication, and so on where present when the relationship was strong.  Getting grounded in the relationship can help it flourish again.

There are often times when we need to go deeper into the relationship as other efforts are not creating change.  We need to also look at your partner's willingness the change behaviors that are detrimental to the relationship.  Couples counseling can be very helpful at this stage, but often times one partner does not want to participate so the responsibility may be left up to you!  One person getting outside counseling can actually be a catalyst for change in the relationship.

If you know you want to leave the relationship, you may find it helpful to assess what your life would be like out of the relationship such as where you will live, child issues, work, paying bills, support from friends and relatives, meeting people, etc.  Often times people are frightened of what their life would look like without their relationship.  Creating a goal of what you want your life to look like helps leaving not be as scary.

Some helpful questions to ask yourself are:

When things were at there best, were they ever really good between you then?

Have you felt recurring humiliation or invisibility in the relationship?

Do you genuinely like each other?  (Remember you have to at least have a friendship in order to have true intimacy)

Does your partner neither see or admit to things you have tried to get him or her to acknowledge?

Although you and your partner can be different in many ways, does he or she deep down care about what is important to you?

Do you feel that you are caretaking or over compensating for your partners down falls which is detracting from your own life?

Link: http://www.thecoloradocounselor.com/blog/admin.php?ctrl=items&action=new&blog=5

The news that Jerry Sandusky from the Penn State football program sexually abused young boys hit the news and created a wildfire of disgust and questions among many people.  Information regarding Jerry's history with boys and eye witness accounts has painted a hideous picture.  As a psychoterapist with a specialty in trauma, I have treated countless individuals who have been victims of sexual crimes.  I wanted to write this article to bring awareness to the victim's experience and the aftermath they face from such a crime.  Please remember that it is always an adults responsibility to protect a child no matter the circumstances.  Authorities should always be contacted if you become aware of a sexual act toward a child.

Sexual perpetrators tend to seek out positions where they will be surrounded by children in order to find their victims.  I have treated adults who have been sexually abused by camp counselors, Boy Scout leaders, teachers, physicians, coaches, neighbors, as well as family members.  Perpetrators have usually been sexually abused themselves.  They begin by "grooming" the children around them, often times finding a child who is in need of an adult they can trust and lean on.  Such children may be experiencing their parens' divorce, bullying at school, neglect at home, loss of a loved on, and so on which makes them particularly vulnerable.  The "grooming" period entails the perpetrator creating a trusting and close relationship with the child.  The perpetrator then begins introducing physical contact with the child such as tickling, hugs, and even showering with them.  Sexual acts will then follow if the perpetrator finds that the child will succumb to sexual advances by an adult.

The victims can experience many emotions when they are being and have been sexually abused.  Some are petrified by the perpetrator while the sexual act may feel good to some victims.  The main emotions of sexual abuse are usually shame and guilt which victims usually carry with them throughout their lifetime if they do not seek help.  Some children will tell an adult right away, while others may not have a trustworthy or present adult to protect them from the abuse.  The adult children of sexual abuse may blame themselves that they could have stopped it.  They struggle with trust and close relationships even as adults.  Many victims struggle with intimacy in their adult relationships and may never tell even their closest partners of the horror and shame they hold within themselves from their abuse. Victims may experience flashbacks of their abuse, nightmares, intense fears of the outside world, hypersexuality, continued unfulfillment in relationships, drug use, weight gain, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, anxiety, panic, and eating disorders which are all sypmtoms of sexual abuse.  When a victim's sexual abuse is triggered they can shake, loose their appetite, overeat, abuse substances, retreat from close relationships, become physically sick, vomit, become angry, experience numbness, feel disgust within themselves, or even become suicidal.  Victims have described their sexual abuse as a secret or demons they carry around with them and do no want anyone to find out about.  They are often disgusted by it in many ways.

The treatment of sexual abuse should include a safe relationship with a therapist who is trained in trauma.  Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is the leader in the  treamtent of trauma.  This therapy takes away the emotional charge of trauma and frees the victim from holding the trauma in their body.  EMDR heals their negative thoughts about themselves from the trauma, the emotions attached to the trauma, and creates a future template of how they would like to view the trauma in the future which is usally an empowered stance.  EMDR therapy can be very intense as it gets to the route of the trauma and releases it.   Healing abuse takes many twists and turns.  After treating the sexual abuse trauma through EMDR, working on self-esteem, trust and intimacy in relationships usually follows.  Victims do not have to live with the secret and pain of abuse.  There are skilled professionals who can help them.

I found this article written about our servicemen and women and wanted to share it.  There is not a lot of public awareness of what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) looks like.  People who suffer from PTSD do not feel like their regular selfs.  I treat PTSD everyday in my office.  I utilize the treatment modality called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).  EMDR can take away the emotional charge traumatized individuals experience from the trauamatizing event and return them back to feeling 'normal' again.  One point I wanted to reiterate from the article is the fact that trauma work takes energy and time.  It is an investment in yourself, but once completed you will know it was well worth it.  In the article Tracy Strecker P.h.D states that there is not cure. I tend to disagree on this statement, as I have witnessed EMDR take away the emotional charge from a traumatic event and report feeling "lighter" as the event is not longer weighing them down in their life. EMDR has also helped take away flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, hyperarousal, and decreased congitive functioning as a result of PTSD. Please read below and feel free to share any of your thoughts.

Survivors

How war veterans-and the rest of us- heal from trauma

Posttraumatic stress among our military personnel

Published on July 22, 2011 by Tracy Strecker P.h.D in Survivors

Two years ago, a military nurse who deployed to both Iraq and Afghanistan tried to kill himself for the first time.  Since then, he has has three suicide attempts, has lost his livlihood and experiences extreme anxiety at the idea os stepping foot inside a hospital because of traumatic experience in a warzone.  He has still not gotten any help.  His trauma wasn't watching people die, not even when they were young children.  It wasn't even about watching a physician make a split second decision about whether or not a certain serviceman would keep his leg.  What bothered him was when his best friend told him that their CO (commanding officer) raped her.  He screamed, "I'm going to kick his ass!" He turned away from her and took two steps toward the door.  And he heard a blast from a gun.  He froze as others came running to help her, although she did not survive the blast to her chest.  She killed herself.

He is haunted by each of these choices.  His scream, his turning away from her, his steps, and his paralysis as she died.

How did this serviceman heal from this traumatic event?  He hasn't.  He is suffering, as are many of our military personnel.  When he is asked about healing he responds that he believes in order to achieve healing certain aspects of the situation need balance (ie., CO should be disciplined, her family needs to respond differently).

This story is not a unique story.  Many of our military personnel experienced trauma at war that has little to do with "war."  The war stories are just as bad, yet in some ways these are the stories one expects to hear about trauma and war.

I heard a three star Army General recently state: "If you put in 25 years in these boots, you are going to come back broken." He says that the military needs to stop the "suck it up" philosophy and recognize that seeking help is the most courageous thing a person can do.

My goal for this first entry about our servicemen and women healing from trauma is to point out that healing from traumatic events takes energy and time.  There is no medicine or statement that will flick the switch.  Most of the military personnel that I talk to with symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) talk about how their lives changed when they experienced the event.  Their experience of their own 'self' changed.  The way they view the world and others and self changed.  From one event.  It is difficult for persons with PTSD to feel at ease in the world.  Common complaints revolve around sleeping problems (re-experiencing symptoms), feeling distant from others (numbing symptoms), being on guard problems (hyperarousal symptoms). There are treatments for PTSD and evidence-based treatments can work.  There is no cure.  Like the General said, the most courageous thing a person can do is ask for help.

There are many among us suffering from trauma.  They should not be forgotten.  Help them.

When I coach clients on the topic of effective communication in their relationships, I realize over and over again that the simple act of speaking and listening is not simple at all.  When we communicate, we often times are hearing what we want to hear.  Why is this?  We all have a filtration system that decifers what we hear, how we hear it, and how we experience the message.  Your filter can actually inhibit you from hearing the intended message and cause feelings of increased emotional distress.

To maintain a clear and healthy filtration system:

1. Know your mood and be aware.  Lets face it, when we are experiencing stress we are not quite as good at comprehending information. Managing your stress levels can help you maintain a clear communication system.  Be aware of the emotional charge you may feel while listening.  Research has proven that the minute our blood pressure rises in a conversation, we take in up to 80% less information.  That is a very larger percentage.

2. Slow down.  When we discuss difficult and/or tense topic matters our bodies may feel a charge or we are quickly trying to think of a comeback to what is being said.  Slow down and know that you are capable of listening to the points of the person speaking and then expressing your own points when it is your turn as well.

3. Know your triggers.  When difficult subjects are being discussed or when we feel attacked in communication, we often times feel triggered which enhances an emotional charge in the conversation.  When you feel these charges try to slow down and grow awareness as to what is bothering you.  You may uncover that the way the person is speaking to you triggers thoughts that you are not good enough, a failure, or perhaps a disappointment.  If you know that this is being triggered, you are then able to express to the individual that "I feel like a failure when you speak to me about these things, etc."  When emotion is expressed in this manner in a heated discussion, it tends to deescalate the conversation.

4:  Learn your boundaries.  Knowing your boundaries and when someone is crossing them is very important in effective communication.   Maintaining an assertive communication pattern has proven to be the most effective.  Not asserting healthy boundaries can lead to unhealthy and destructive relationships.

These strageties may seem difficult to accomplish.  Communication coaching and therapy can be very beneficial as you learn how to use these communication skills.  Often times, people find it helpful to bring in the individual they are struggling communication with to sessions, so they can learn healthier ways of communication together.   All it takes is learning how you are supposed to communicate and maintaining a clear filter system to achieve healthy and effective communication.

Link: http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?Clk=4210515

Sarah James has partnered with David and Michelle Riklan, the founders of the #1 self growth website in the world (www.selfgrowth.com) to co-author "101 Great Ways to Enhance Your Career."  The book includes chapters from other experts who offer solid advice as to how you can take action and improve your career.