Here are some things to think about if you are suffering from depression:

1. How is your social life?  Relationships are very important when suffering from depression.  Human beings are social beings which mean we need to be relating to others.  This does not mean you need to be the most social person in town, but healthy relationships are very important to our mental health.  If you are suffering from low mood, try getting out with your friends and see what it does for you.  Isolation can breed feelings of depression and anxiety.

2. Are you being true to yourself?  We all have our own manuals which basically tell us how we tick.  For example, someone who is extraverted and needs a lot of human interaction would not do well in the job role of a data processor, etc.   That person needs more interaction during their day.  We must stay in line with our core self and not waiver too far from it. 

3.  How are your thoughts?  Stop and think about your thought patterns.  If you are someone who ruminates over events, people, situations, and what is troubling you STOP!  Ruminating does nothing but contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression.  The process of ruminating never solves any issues.  Train your thoughts to think from point A to point B.  If you feel your thoughts are spinning out of control, hit the stop button and ask yourself if you are actually solving the problem or simply allowing it to run amuck in your head causing a major disturbance.

4.  Are you in action?  When people feel depression they often slow down and at times nearly isolate themselves from all activities.  This is another ingredient for depression to cook.  I know it may seem very difficult to get into action mode as your depression has taken your energy and motivation from you, but you would be surprised the energy you will get from getting out there and moving.

5. How would you rate your decision making?  Happy people don’t just get there on a whim.  They are outstanding planners.  Successful people are able to make decision with foresight in mind of how their life will be when they reach the outcome of that decision.  So many people experience feelings of depression, worry, and being stuck because of a poor decision or decisions they made.  Slow down and really think through where your decisions today will land you tomorrow, don’t simply take the easy way out.

I hope you find this food for thought helpful and remember that depression is treatable.  You do not need to suffer.

Clients often come to me feeling unfulfilled in their relationships and wonder if they should just leave.  The feelings and issues seem to be too much to overcome.  People in this situation find themselves overwhelmed and lacking direction.  This is a difficult place to be.  First, I ask clients to grow awareness in themselves as to how they are handling the relationship.  Have they been a part of the increasingly poor patterns?  Being the change you want to see in your relationship can be very helpful in reconnecting.  But some people feel they are beyond this point. They may not be trusting of their partner's reaction to a more vulnerable behavior on their part or perhaps they do not know what their behavior should be.  We must identify what behaviors, activities, communication, and so on where present when the relationship was strong.  Getting grounded in the relationship can help it flourish again.

There are often times when we need to go deeper into the relationship as other efforts are not creating change.  We need to also look at your partner's willingness the change behaviors that are detrimental to the relationship.  Couples counseling can be very helpful at this stage, but often times one partner does not want to participate so the responsibility may be left up to you!  One person getting outside counseling can actually be a catalyst for change in the relationship.

If you know you want to leave the relationship, you may find it helpful to assess what your life would be like out of the relationship such as where you will live, child issues, work, paying bills, support from friends and relatives, meeting people, etc.  Often times people are frightened of what their life would look like without their relationship.  Creating a goal of what you want your life to look like helps leaving not be as scary.

Some helpful questions to ask yourself are:

When things were at there best, were they ever really good between you then?

Have you felt recurring humiliation or invisibility in the relationship?

Do you genuinely like each other?  (Remember you have to at least have a friendship in order to have true intimacy)

Does your partner neither see or admit to things you have tried to get him or her to acknowledge?

Although you and your partner can be different in many ways, does he or she deep down care about what is important to you?

Do you feel that you are caretaking or over compensating for your partners down falls which is detracting from your own life?

The news that Jerry Sandusky from the Penn State football program sexually abused young boys hit the news and created a wildfire of disgust and questions among many people.  Information regarding Jerry's history with boys and eye witness accounts has painted a hideous picture.  As a psychoterapist with a specialty in trauma, I have treated countless individuals who have been victims of sexual crimes.  I wanted to write this article to bring awareness to the victim's experience and the aftermath they face from such a crime.  Please remember that it is always an adults responsibility to protect a child no matter the circumstances.  Authorities should always be contacted if you become aware of a sexual act toward a child.

Sexual perpetrators tend to seek out positions where they will be surrounded by children in order to find their victims.  I have treated adults who have been sexually abused by camp counselors, Boy Scout leaders, teachers, physicians, coaches, neighbors, as well as family members.  Perpetrators have usually been sexually abused themselves.  They begin by "grooming" the children around them, often times finding a child who is in need of an adult they can trust and lean on.  Such children may be experiencing their parens' divorce, bullying at school, neglect at home, loss of a loved on, and so on which makes them particularly vulnerable.  The "grooming" period entails the perpetrator creating a trusting and close relationship with the child.  The perpetrator then begins introducing physical contact with the child such as tickling, hugs, and even showering with them.  Sexual acts will then follow if the perpetrator finds that the child will succumb to sexual advances by an adult.

The victims can experience many emotions when they are being and have been sexually abused.  Some are petrified by the perpetrator while the sexual act may feel good to some victims.  The main emotions of sexual abuse are usually shame and guilt which victims usually carry with them throughout their lifetime if they do not seek help.  Some children will tell an adult right away, while others may not have a trustworthy or present adult to protect them from the abuse.  The adult children of sexual abuse may blame themselves that they could have stopped it.  They struggle with trust and close relationships even as adults.  Many victims struggle with intimacy in their adult relationships and may never tell even their closest partners of the horror and shame they hold within themselves from their abuse. Victims may experience flashbacks of their abuse, nightmares, intense fears of the outside world, hypersexuality, continued unfulfillment in relationships, drug use, weight gain, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, anxiety, panic, and eating disorders which are all sypmtoms of sexual abuse.  When a victim's sexual abuse is triggered they can shake, loose their appetite, overeat, abuse substances, retreat from close relationships, become physically sick, vomit, become angry, experience numbness, feel disgust within themselves, or even become suicidal.  Victims have described their sexual abuse as a secret or demons they carry around with them and do no want anyone to find out about.  They are often disgusted by it in many ways.

The treatment of sexual abuse should include a safe relationship with a therapist who is trained in trauma.  Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is the leader in the  treamtent of trauma.  This therapy takes away the emotional charge of trauma and frees the victim from holding the trauma in their body.  EMDR heals their negative thoughts about themselves from the trauma, the emotions attached to the trauma, and creates a future template of how they would like to view the trauma in the future which is usally an empowered stance.  EMDR therapy can be very intense as it gets to the route of the trauma and releases it.   Healing abuse takes many twists and turns.  After treating the sexual abuse trauma through EMDR, working on self-esteem, trust and intimacy in relationships usually follows.  Victims do not have to live with the secret and pain of abuse.  There are skilled professionals who can help them.

Survivors

How war veterans-and the rest of us- heal from trauma

Posttraumatic stress among our military personnel

Published on July 22, 2011 by Tracy Strecker P.h.D in Survivors

Two years ago, a military nurse who deployed to both Iraq and Afghanistan tried to kill himself for the first time.  Since then, he has has three suicide attempts, has lost his livlihood and experiences extreme anxiety at the idea os stepping foot inside a hospital because of traumatic experience in a warzone.  He has still not gotten any help.  His trauma wasn't watching people die, not even when they were young children.  It wasn't even about watching a physician make a split second decision about whether or not a certain serviceman would keep his leg.  What bothered him was when his best friend told him that their CO (commanding officer) raped her.  He screamed, "I'm going to kick his ass!" He turned away from her and took two steps toward the door.  And he heard a blast from a gun.  He froze as others came running to help her, although she did not survive the blast to her chest.  She killed herself.

He is haunted by each of these choices.  His scream, his turning away from her, his steps, and his paralysis as she died.

How did this serviceman heal from this traumatic event?  He hasn't.  He is suffering, as are many of our military personnel.  When he is asked about healing he responds that he believes in order to achieve healing certain aspects of the situation need balance (ie., CO should be disciplined, her family needs to respond differently).

This story is not a unique story.  Many of our military personnel experienced trauma at war that has little to do with "war."  The war stories are just as bad, yet in some ways these are the stories one expects to hear about trauma and war.

I heard a three star Army General recently state: "If you put in 25 years in these boots, you are going to come back broken." He says that the military needs to stop the "suck it up" philosophy and recognize that seeking help is the most courageous thing a person can do.

My goal for this first entry about our servicemen and women healing from trauma is to point out that healing from traumatic events takes energy and time.  There is no medicine or statement that will flick the switch.  Most of the military personnel that I talk to with symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) talk about how their lives changed when they experienced the event.  Their experience of their own 'self' changed.  The way they view the world and others and self changed.  From one event.  It is difficult for persons with PTSD to feel at ease in the world.  Common complaints revolve around sleeping problems (re-experiencing symptoms), feeling distant from others (numbing symptoms), being on guard problems (hyperarousal symptoms). There are treatments for PTSD and evidence-based treatments can work.  There is no cure.  Like the General said, the most courageous thing a person can do is ask for help.

There are many among us suffering from trauma.  They should not be forgotten.  Help them.

To maintain a clear and healthy filtration system:

1. Know your mood and be aware.  Lets face it, when we are experiencing stress we are not quite as good at comprehending information. Managing your stress levels can help you maintain a clear communication system.  Be aware of the emotional charge you may feel while listening.  Research has proven that the minute our blood pressure rises in a conversation, we take in up to 80% less information.  That is a very larger percentage.

2. Slow down.  When we discuss difficult and/or tense topic matters our bodies may feel a charge or we are quickly trying to think of a comeback to what is being said.  Slow down and know that you are capable of listening to the points of the person speaking and then expressing your own points when it is your turn as well.

3. Know your triggers.  When difficult subjects are being discussed or when we feel attacked in communication, we often times feel triggered which enhances an emotional charge in the conversation.  When you feel these charges try to slow down and grow awareness as to what is bothering you.  You may uncover that the way the person is speaking to you triggers thoughts that you are not good enough, a failure, or perhaps a disappointment.  If you know that this is being triggered, you are then able to express to the individual that "I feel like a failure when you speak to me about these things, etc."  When emotion is expressed in this manner in a heated discussion, it tends to deescalate the conversation.

4:  Learn your boundaries.  Knowing your boundaries and when someone is crossing them is very important in effective communication.   Maintaining an assertive communication pattern has proven to be the most effective.  Not asserting healthy boundaries can lead to unhealthy and destructive relationships.

These strageties may seem difficult to accomplish.  Communication coaching and therapy can be very beneficial as you learn how to use these communication skills.  Often times, people find it helpful to bring in the individual they are struggling communication with to sessions, so they can learn healthier ways of communication together.   All it takes is learning how you are supposed to communicate and maintaining a clear filter system to achieve healthy and effective communication.

Sarah James has partnered with David and Michelle Riklan, the founders of the #1 self growth website in the world (www.selfgrowth.com) to co-author "101 Great Ways to Enhance Your Career."  The book includes chapters from other experts who offer solid advice as to how you can take action and improve your career.

The Art of Letting Go

By: Sarah James LCSW, CAC II

Published on www.selfgrowth.com December 6, 2010

People often find themselves irritated, operating at their max capacity, or weighed down. Perhaps some feel as if they are gripping on tightly to certain aspects in their life and cannot let go, or simply feeling sad. Many individuals can identify the feeling, but have no idea where the root of the feeling resides. Finding the root of the issue and healing the unpleasant sensations it causes can be accomplished with more ease by learning to let go.

Many people find themselves overscheduled and irritated when they operate out of a place of not feeling good enough or having to be perfect. Ask yourself where these negative cognitions come from. Once you uncover the root of these harmful thoughts, let go. You are only harnessing positive energy you could be pumping into your life by holding on tightly to negative thoughts that seem to overpower your life.

What about individuals who feel chronic sadness or as if they are gripping on to life so tightly they are stifling it. Often times this scenario transcends from feelings of loss. Have you lost someone or something that had meaning to you? Have you actually grieved this loss, or have you tried to push it aside? Many people do not know how to grieve. We are allowed to acknowledge and feel pain and hurt. Too often feeling of responsibility to others and/or fear of these feelings cause us to stuff them deep down. Well, if we stuff it deep down inside, where does it go? It manifests itself in not wanting to loose again, thus maintaining strong control over our lives. Grief can also present itself in low energy, depression, panic, and change in appetite.

We are allowed to feel negative emotions such as sadness, hurt, fear, loneliness, apathy, and guilt. The trouble occurs when these emotions begin to grip our lives causing us to struggle. At times, we may not even know or perhaps understand why these feelings are there. Through letting go relief can be found. Why struggle? Here are some tips on how to let go. Keep these strategies in your awareness and grow from them. Remember to breath as you remind yourself of letting go.

1. Letting go means you are supportive and well intentioned in your life, rather than the thought that you are going to fix and accomplish everything in your path today.

2. Letting go means to learn from the past and grow from it in your life journey, rather than riddle your self with guilt and criticism.

3. Letting go means let go of your fears and replace them with love and positive foresight.

4. Letting go occurs when you learn that certain outcomes are out of your hands, rather than gripping onto them.

5. Letting go occurs when you stop criticizing others, rather live the life you dream of.

So, how can we "fix" this?  We all know that eating does not cure negative emotions.  I have been using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) to treat my clients who struggle with emotional eating.  EMDR has proven to be an effective therapeutic modality used with my clients who eat to cope with emotions.

How does EMDR therapy work?  This approach utilizes an image and the negative cognition (thought), body sensations, and emotions that are linked to it.  You then follow a light with your eyes and/or use pulsers in your hands or ears to bilaterally stimulate your brain as you reprocess the image.

Perhaps a woman eats when she feel she is not good enough.  The earliest image she can recall of "not feeling good enough" occurred when she attempted to earn the affections of her father through performing well in sports.  She always felt that she fell short of his expectations, and would cope with not feeling good enough by eating.  This behavior had been in place nearly her entire life and often times feels "not good enough" around her husband.  Through reprocessing the painful image of her father's discontent, by bilaterally stimulating the brain through the EMDR process, those images of "not feeling good enough" will have less of an emotional charge.  Therefore, when her "not feeling good enough" button gets triggered, she will not experience an emotional charge that seems so overwhelming she can only handle it through eating.  At this time, she will be able to face and handle her emotions when she is triggered in a more skillful manner.

To learn more about EMDR visit www.thecoloradocounselor.com/emdr, www.emdria.com, or www.emdr.com.

Published By: www.selfgrowth.com July 2010

Many people find themselves in a place in life where they feel completely stuck. They recognize their discomfort in the situation and wonder how they got there. The discomfort increases when the individual realizes they do not know how to transcend the situation and find relief.

There are several steps to consider as we work to become unstuck:

Step 1: We need to look into our inner blueprint to gain an understanding of our history that led us to this situation. Our blueprint displays the inner workings of our history and can provide information as to how we landed in the situation we currently reside. We find comfort and a decrease in confusion and anxiety by becoming intimate with our inner workings. Being unconscious of our blueprint often times leads us to reenact our past in our future. An example would be if a woman consistently dated men who were untrustworthy, distant, and moody. She may wonder how she always ends up with these types of individuals. An alcoholic father who indeed was untrustworthy, distant, and moody may have raised this particular woman. She is dating what is familiar to her, but not necessarily what she wants, thus leaving her with feelings of being stuck in finding a strong connection with a mate.

Step 2: Become aware of what is familiar to you, but begin to create your own personal manual that is going to create the life you are seeking. This manual needs to include your likes and dislikes, your needs and wants. Then use this manual to place yourself in environments and relationships that will link you closer to your end goals. This manual may also include certain thoughts, emotions, and even body sensations you would like to experience in your life, therefore not accepting relationships and environments that detract from this goal.

Step 3: Create action with your blueprint and personal manual. Just notice how your blueprint affects your life and know that you are more than your blueprint. You have the present and future to create the life you are seeking. Hold your personal manual close when taking action to become unstuck. This will help you enter into unchartered territory that may be a little scary.

Step 4: Be aware of what comes up for you when you have entered into new experiences and relationships. Notice that being aware is different from becoming attached to any fear, anxiety, and awkwardness you may have felt in this new territory. Reward yourself for creating meaningful action in your life. Navigating unfamiliar territory takes energy and motivation. Allow yourself to recharge afterwards if you feel it is necessary.

Seeking support from an experienced psychotherapist can facilitate in navigating these steps. Remember that becoming unstuck takes trying new things that are consistent with your needs and wants. Learn how and take action.

Too often we find ourselves anxious and disappointed when an opportunity dissolves or when things do not turn out the way we had hoped.  In such a crisis lies opportunity.  We have a choice, either we can dissolve with the failed opportunity or we can create other options.  Many people feel they do not have the ability to create new options, but that is simply not the case.  Such people are most likely speaking from a place of emotion and defeat, rather than from an eye-opening and confident standpoint.  How do we become individuals who make lemonade when life gives us lemons?  The answer is to learn the skills to remain active in order to create opportunities so we do not feel closed off.  There are several steps to take when one door closes so that another door will open.

Step 1:  Create calmness around the situation.  Creating calmness is still remaining active in this problem solving exercise.  Do not react, but simply experience whatever it is that comes up for you at the time.  We can handle more negative emotions and let down than we think.

Step 2:  When the emotion of the initial disappointment subsides (I recommend sleeping on it), begin researching options.  Create choices out of a situation that once felt like you had no choices.

Step 3:  Once you begin feeling the empowerment of learning of other options, your confidence will grow.  Your ability to simply take a different path will strengthen.

Step 4: Now that you have established self- empowerment in the situation, your ability to make a sound decision out of the options you created will increase.  Again, handle the decision making process with the same care you spent creating the opportunity for your self.

Once you have successfully completed this cycle of creating opportunity for yourself, you will handle your next bout of disappointment with greater ease.

There are a few aspects that contribute to the feeling of inferiority that are important to consider as we strive to live authentic and fulfilling lives. Comparing our life to someone else's life is important to think about. Do you ever find yourself looking at a neighbor or maybe a colleague who makes it look so easy, therefore they are somehow better than you? The question is, how do you really know how this individual handles their life? Many people find themselves comparing their insides to other peoples' outsides. Do you monitor their every move and know with all certainty that they are a model of perfection that all should strive for? The answer is no. Then why do we do this? It is self-defeating. Perhaps, we feel the need to have a point of reference to ascertain that we are doing the right thing in this life. But again, we do not know if these individuals we are comparing ourselves to are these models of perfection we are making them out to be.

The other dynamic to dissect is the influence of media. More and more we are finding celebrities doing shoots without makeup and they actually look normal! We need to immunize ourselves to the perceived glamour and perfection our media portrays of celebrity life. We also need to immunize ourselves to the perceived standard of living the media portrays. Do we really need several cars in our driveway and homes that are too large for our families? Again, the answer is no.

Feeling empty, deflated, lethargic, struggling with follow through, body aches, and negative self talk, are all signs that depression may be lurking. Often times, when people get a string of disappointment in their life, feelings of depression may follow. Continuing life patterns that are unhealthy whether they involve substance abuse, dating unhealthy men or women, hanging out with friends who are not supportive, can contribute to negative patterns. Negative patterns can lead to feelings of depression, emptiness, and disempowerment.

Identifying the culprit at the root of the depression is key to experiencing relief. If you have experienced a recent loss, understanding the levels of grief may help you understand the extreme sadness. If depression runs in your family, you may have a biologic cause. Dissolving negative patterns can be achieved through talk therapy, recognizing issues, trying to step out of the patterns and try something different. Depression may feel disempowering, but there are many ways to regain control, happiness, and direction. Counseling can help you achieve this.

Unresolved issues can fester and come out in poor sleep patterns. I recommend to my clients to write things that are bothering them down on a piece of paper. Give yourself time to let out any concerns or worries. By doing this you externalize the worry. Externalizing worry is one of the best ways to find relief. Writing things down also allows us to feel more in control, as worries and anxiety can feel so out of our control. Many people are so confused by the way their worries overtake them. Disturbance of sleep is one of the signs that your worries are getting the better of you.

If you find yourself waking in the middle of the night, get up and write down what is going on in your mind. This will help put your mind to rest. Having bedtime rituals is another way to unwind from a busy day and cherish rest and relaxation. Talking to a therapist can also help work through sleep issues on a deeper level.

If the sleep remedies above are not helpful, you may have a more severe issue. Depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and trauma can all be contributors to lack of sleep. Often times medications are a good solution when nothing else seems to work. I always recommend if you are going to go on medications, seek out counseling as well.